So all the way back in 2009, I occasionally found people randomly soliciting me for relationship and sex advice through okcupid based on my profile (this was part of what prompted me to create this blog).  Usually, the things people asked were fairly innocuous questions about polyamory and kink.

But then out of the blue, I got a message from… a cheese fetishist. Even five years later, after interviewing about 75 kinksters in-depth and talking with probably at least 1000 more, I can say without hesitation, he definitely takes the cake for weirdness. Or the cheese (if you hate puns, stop reading now, because this guy richly deserves them).

So back in 2009, I wrote the following post on facebook:

I got messaged—on okcupid—by a guy seeking my “professional opinion” about why people were so antagonistic towards him and his cheese fetish (let me hasten to add that I don’t think my professional credentials really qualify me to answer such a question…). I admit that I didn’t initially read his original, lengthy, and explicit description of his cheese fetish in its entirety; I merely skimmed his message and replied, recommending that he go to fetlife and find others who shared his fetish. But he messaged me back, insisting that fetlife was full of people with “conventional” fetishes, and even there he felt rejected. I did a search on fetlife and found that 18 people considered themselves cheese fetishists and told him so. In addition to basic cheese, a couple of others fetishists had listed (and I swear I am not making this up, although people do joke about their fetishes on fetlife), macaroni and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Now, I mentioned all of this to my girlfriend, who understandably suggested that this fellow might have just been trolling. At this point we went back and read all of his original message, which I will get to in a moment. She still wasn’t convinced that this guy was for real, so we successfully stalked him on fetlife. People often put pictures of themselves in their fetish of choice on fetlife, but this guy had several pictures of… his dick wrapped in Swiss cheese. At this point, we had graphic proof that we had a real, live weirdo on our hands.

So let’s come back to his okcupid message, which I won’t quote in its entirety, but I will give you some of its highlights:

“At a young age, I had a high sex drive, but I was over weight, and could not get girls at all, no matter how nice, romantic, or out going I was, girls were just more interested in looks over personality. I reach a point in my adolescents that masturbation simply was not enough, and although raping women crossed my mind, I simply was brought up that it was wrong, and I am too compassionate to harm anyone.

So I started to look for an object that could represent women and feel like sex, and I came up with cheese. More so because I compared girls to dairy, and that girls look at guys as a piece of meat, and they say meat and cheese go so well together, so I was the meat and the cheese was the girl. So all through my youth I was using cheese for self gratification, I settled on Swiss because I liked the texture and the fact that it was like a representative for all cheeses.”

Okay, let’s just stop at the part where he says that raping women crossed his mind. If I had actually read his original message, that’s where I would have stopped!

His sad tale continues, in classic fetishist style:

“Later I did manage to find a girl friend and even got married, we had sex, but after having sex with Swiss cheese for so long, I just keep being drawn back to it. My partner was starting to get upset that I wanted sex with cheese over sex with her, and would refuse to do my fetish.”

I’ve interviewed a lot of people about their relationships, and I’ve witnessed the demise of a number of marriages, but this is the first divorce that I have seen attributed to cheese.

Okay, this is the point at which I say: Cheese Fetishist, people do not reject you because you have a cheese fetish. They reject you because you are a dick.

The fact that your dick is wrapped in cheese just doesn’t help.

(In case you’re wondering, I didn’t actually tell him that. But I am telling him anonymously now).

Well, now here it is 2014, and one of my best friends, AliceinKinkland, sends me the following news item.  Apparently, this dick is now wanted by the Philadelphia police, having graduated from creeptastic thinking to downright illegal behavior.

So now, I feel no guilt about publicly humiliating him on my blog.  Thanks for making it possible for me to post this, Cheese Fetishist.  Now here’s a last piece of advice: seek medical attention, and quit raping people’s eyes.

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Update 1/16/14: He’s been caught.