I’ve never heard anyone complain that a girl cums too fast. For that matter, in real life, I’ve only occasionally heard girls complain that their male partners cum too fast. Meanwhile, most guys obsess about cumming too fast themselves. It’s often nothing to do with sexual satisfaction; actually, it frequently seems to get in the way of sexual satisfaction–especially their own. It’s not about anybody feeling better or having a better time–it’s about pride and some weirdly misplaced sense of virility. Well, screw that. I value our sexual pleasure more than your masculine values.
I was introduced to this notion in an amusing exchange with a boyfriend at the time:
Him: If you cum, it means I’m doing a good job. If I cum, it means the fun’s over.
Me: That sounds like terrible conditioning. But why do we have to stop just because you came?
There’ve been a series of related post-coital conversations I’ve had with guys that go something like this:
Him [looking slightly confused and embarrassed]: …I came too fast.
Me: Did you have a good time? [“yes”] Did it feel good? [“yes”] Okay, great. I came a lot. So please stop looking embarrassed, and shut up and fuck me again as soon as your dick recovers.
And another annoying, but also related conversation:
Him [looking slightly confused and embarrassed]: …I can’t cum because I spent too long trying not to while I was fucking you.
Me: Why on earth would you do that?
Him: …Because I don’t want to cum as soon as I enter you.
Me [eyeroll]: Check my fetish list on fetlife, dumbass. I’m into that.
…Okay, I’ll confess that I’m not the most compassionate of lovers sometimes, but I really have never claimed that I’d have sex with anyone to validate their sense of masculinity. I’ve said the opposite before (I’m great at validating androgyny and genderqueer), but seriously: I have sex to have awesome sex, and your need to feel like a good lover by postponing your orgasms mostly just gets in the way of my good time. Cum too fast? Okay, fine, whatever. Shove your hand in me, shove a toy in me, eat me out, or do all three. But being embarrassed about finding me pleasurable isn’t particularly hot.
I’m regularly amused that the sexual encounters I have with women are often about half as long as the sexual encounters I have with guys. Sure, some of that might be biological, but I think that most of it is that women have no shame about cumming as soon as we start having sex. Once we’ve both cum 4 or 5 times, it seems like pretty awesome sex to me, even if it only takes 10 minutes. I refuse to let culture dictate to me what good sex is: if I’ve cum so hard that my ears are ringing and my legs shake, I don’t really care how long it took. And most women I know agree. But lots of guys think that if they only have sex for 10 minutes, even if we’re both totally happy, they’ve failed somehow.
I realize there’s a lifetime of baggage attached to all of this that I’ll never erase with a single fetlife post, but I really wish we could try to shift cultural perspectives in two ways. First, I’d rather men found sexual pride in pleasing their partners than in how long their cocks stay hard. I get actively annoyed when guys seem more concerned about how long their dicks stay hard than they do about my satisfaction. For the record, it is totally irrelevant to me if your dick is only in my vagina for 5 minutes if you make me cum the entire time (yes, this is possible). In fact, that sex is almost always preferable to me compared to sex where I get fucked for 30 minutes straight and briefly cum once. I really don’t understand why so many men have difficulty understanding that. It’s a total falsehood to imagine that a hard dick and a lengthy sexual encounter automatically makes a satisfied partner. If they’re less satisfied by shorter sex, that’s a different issue, but they seem way more hung up on pride than pleasure much of the time. And I would assume that sex that just feels good is more satisfying than sex where they spend a good portion of their time trying hard not to cum.
(While I’m on the subject of men’s orgasms, can I tangentially punch the person who decided that men were supposed to cum quietly? This one is totally on women and men both, since I’ve actually heard women mock the noises men make during sex. Newsflash: if you’re fucking my pussy or my ass, I really mostly can’t tell if you’ve cum unless you say so or make some noise, especially when there are condoms involved. So I find silent orgasms slightly disconcerting, and, pardon the pun, anti-climatic. (Although it does amuse the shit out of me how guys often say, “I’m going to cum!” like they’re very surprised or expect this to require some sort of preparation. I’ve never heard a girl say this). Moreover, I promise that tantric wisdom teaches us that both men and women have better sex and better orgasms when they breathe deeply and make noise. In short, guys: you have a right to cum just as loudly as girls do, and it’s sexy when you do.)
Second, I think it’s stupidly unfair that we put all the responsibility for good intercourse on guys: if he cums before she does, he feels bad. But you know what? In this theoretical universe of sexual responsibility, women have an equal responsibility to cum quickly. That sounds like a stupid construction of sexuality to me, but seriously–shouldn’t men and women have equal responsibility for their own and their partner’s sexual satisfaction? I don’t actually want anyone to feel bad for how quickly or slowly they orgasm, but I think it’s absurd for men to feel bad about cumming “too fast” when in reality “too fast” is a totally relative speed that just means “faster than her.” I’m okay with a universe in which both people value their partner’s sexual satisfaction more than their own (I think I prefer that one, actually, as long as it isn’t an extreme). However, I think part of being a mature sexual participant is understanding that (1) what you and your partner find pleasurable is way more important than a load of cultural bullshit, (2) most women need more than just a deep dicking to get off (hey, I’m not knocking it though), and (3) just like men, women are at least partially responsible for getting themselves off, and if they can’t, their own sexual satisfaction is likely going to suffer. I’m not saying that some guys don’t, by some vaguely objective measure, cum too fast. But I am saying that women aren’t entitled to expect men to totally sacrifice men’s sexual pleasure on behalf of women’s.
Maybe you don’t cum too fast. Maybe she just cums too slow.
Slut, Ph.D. 
I LOVE THIS.
THANKS for this and your other great posts — really nice.
I honestly think men just place too much value on their own penises as a source of “pleasure” during sex. I made a Facebook post recently that cited an article, backing up something I’ve been saying for a long time – dick size doesn’t matter. Many of us worry far more that a dick is going to be too big, than too small, and a partner who is too large can be difficult to work with. When I posted this, along with the article, one of the first comments left was by a young man stating, “I want to be bigger so I can better please my partner.” After we’d already clarified the fact that a big dick does not equal more pleasure. It’s like the male brain is fixated on the notion that the sole source of sexual pleasure in intercourse is derived from the penis, how big it is, how long it stays erect, how long the dick is inside the vagina/anus. That’s simply not true – especially considering only something like 35% of female can even achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. Even when shown that statistic, and articles to back it up, it seems impossible to prove to a large cross-section of males that it’s really not all about the dick. It’s about a LOT of things, some of which have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with their penises.
I was once giving a blowjob to a man I barely knew (as you do) and he started boasting about how long he was taking, and dirty talking to me by asking me if I admired his stamina. Uh, no! I was wondering if I was doing it in a way that didn’t work for him, and my neck was starting to hurt, and when I found out that he was deliberately holding back to feed his ego about his ‘stamina’ I was really annoyed. It seemed incredibly inconsiderate.
The author of this article (which I agree with for the most part by the way) and a lot of other people (like commenter “ahr”) seem to be puzzled why “most guys obsess about cumming too fast themselves” or why “men just place too much value on their own penises as a source of “pleasure” during sex”. Is it really that confusing? Really? Allow me to illuminate the reason: Hardcore Pornography from a young age. Unrealistic, massively exxagerated, infinitely looped hardcore pornography. Easily available in any quantity for everyone who looks for it (and quite often even for those who don’t).
I’m not against pornography in and by itself and fully aware that as long as the internet is around the availability won’t change. But in my opinion that is what hardcore porn does to the perception of those who grew up with it from the age when they first started being interested in sex. Similar effects as being bombarded with ads and videos full of photoshopped plastic-perfection looking models has on young girls’ (and grown womens’) body image and self esteem I would think…
Excellent point! Another way in which young men are misled by the conventions of porn.
And back to my point of view: I am not a fan of my male partners exhibiting great ‘stamina’ by pounding on forever, and you know what? I find that incredibly boring in porn as well. I can’t think of a time I’ve seen a man in orgasm in porn unless he jacked himself off, and orgasm is such a big part of what I find exciting that I find most porn just dull dull dull.
Same here. I never understood that part (man jacking himself off) as well…
I think it’s because it’s the only way he can *verifiably* have an orgasm. But it’s not very sexy to watch a man jackhammer a woman for half an hour and then finish himself off.
I think some men want to delay coming because they expect to be exhausted/no longer interested as soon as they’ve orgasmed. Possibly due to unintentionally conditioning themselves by masturbating as a sleep aid?
Reblogged this on ItanaDean's Blog.
A couple issues, most of these hang ups aren’t just from thin air, they are from criticisms that we, as men have heard from other men as well as women.
1. “(Although it does amuse the shit out of me how guys often say, “I’m going to cum!” like they’re very surprised or expect this to require some sort of preparation. I’ve never heard a girl say this)” We have women entirely to blame for this one. How many articles and women have we heard complain that men don’t give them warning of their orgasms during a blowjob? As if women have to have months of preparations and lists to act accordingly to our orgasms. I understand that some women do not want it in their mouths and want to be prepared for it, but nevertheless, men have been trained by women to announce our orgasms.
2. We have been told over and over that many men are inconsiderate lovers who just fuck, orgasm, and then roll over and sleep. Yes, there are selfish amongst us, we have been openly mocked by women and other men for being “minute men”. I appreciate the author’s sympathy, but I really do think it makes men better lovers (and comedians) to get the timing of the punchline right. If I am getting too close too quick (from my perception), I tend to slow it down and grind inside of her, or completely dismount and give her some oral for 5 minutes or so before continuing. I agree that men should not be shamed for quick orgasms, but by the same token with work we can last longer and make it more enjoyable for both parties.
I appreciate the author’s sympathy but despite these hang ups being silly, there is some validity as to why they exist. In the end, I think that if you have a good sex partner you should both be able to laugh it off if he blasts off too quick or yells out I’m coming. I have always tried to communicate with my lovers and there is very little in bed that should be taken personally or that can’t be laughed at when put into proper perspective.
Dr Slut , how can I find you on fetlife?
I am IPCookieMonster on fetlife.
I will say there is a mix here for us men. I don’t mind cumming to quick. But it caneeds suck to not get hard again, especially if ones female partner isn’t into receiving oral sex.
I’ll share three personal anecdotal events. I once visited a paramour. After a 10 hour drive I was horny as fuck. We didn’t wait. Right there on the couch we slid our shorts aside, and I slid inside. 90 seconds later I was done. AND a good thing to because her father came upstairs. We’re both mature middle aged adults. Life and health issues has her back at her parents, retired pastors.
The next night we had some privacy and a room at a friends and went 90 minutes straight.
So no disappointment there. The next time I visited I found myself in a threesome. I’d had a fair amount to drink that evening. I got the opportunity to have sex with a woman I’d fancied for 10 years. I came quickly. Then couldn’t get hard again and missed a lot of opportunity. Ya, I regret that. It was frustrating. Especially for me, but for the ladies I believe too. Though they were quite understanding. I really wished it had been more of a 90 minute straight night. Granted a combination of prior alcohol and nervousness having never been with two women simultaneously before, and ya blundered that a bit. I learned some life lessons. And if I’m hoping for sex – no performance inhibiting alcohol.
And yes, I used my hands. But I wanted so much more. And don’t know if I’ll have that opportunity to be with that friend again. I’ll just keep hoping.