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Kinky Teen vs. 50 Shades of Grey

So I’ve heard a lot of people insist that 50 Shades of Grey reads like an erotica written by a teenager. As someone who was a kinky teenager who wrote prodigiously as a teenager in order to get good at a difficult and demanding craft, I figured it would be entertaining to dig back into my obsessive compulsively well-organized folder of writing in which I carefully collected and maintained the awful awful awful shit that I wrote when I was young.

The notebook where I kept all of my adolescent ramblings. Oh yeah, that's puff paint. The warning at the bottom says "Warning: Anyone criticizing the organization, contents, or appearance of this book may have a health hazard."

The notebook where I kept all of my adolescent ramblings. The warning at the bottom says “Warning: Anyone criticizing the organization, contents, or appearance of this book may have a health hazard.”

Please note that I was fully aware as a kid that it was awful shit. I was carefully documenting and saving all of this with the deep-seated belief and very sincere hope that someday I wouldn’t suck at this.

If most of this stuff comes off as creepy and rapey, that’s because it is. Welcome to my head, ladies and gentleman. It hasn’t changed much in the intervening 20 years.

And so here we go, accompanied by the photos of the actual shit itself. Here is The Porn I Wrote When I Was 14-16 (vintage mid- to late-90’s). I have not edited my spelling, punctuation, or grammar as I type this.

I’ll commence with a mercifully short one. This one was clearly inspired by the musical Aspects of Love, which was the closest fictional contact I had to polyamory at that age.


“Sailing off in the night…

Taking more from this life…” were the words he spoke softly to himself. He could not control himself any longer. His hunger for her was simply too great. He walked back to her bed and looked at her indecisively while she slept. But he had made his choice—he couldn’t change his mind now.

He climbed up with her. He had to awaken her. It would simply be to cruel to take her when she could not remember. He put his lips on hers, and she awoke immediately, staring deeply into his eyes and smiling. “I knew you’d come back,” she whispered. She responded quickly to his touch, wrapping her own arms around neck. They kissed until sweet desire became too much to bear. She slipped her nightgown over her head, closing her eyes as he kissed her breasts. Tenderness and deep passion were the strange emotions they felt as they held onto one another. She twined her legs around him, never once gasping in either small pain or unbearable pleasure, though both feelings coursed through her veins as she and he became one. Fire went thought her until she began to soar past the clouds, as she slowly fell, kissing him as she floated down. When they separated, she whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You know this is authentic 1995ish because of the classic pink pen.

You know this is authentic 1995ish because of the classic pink pen.


So, some kids fantasize about sex, and some kids fantasize about sex magic. I was definitely in both camps. This literary atrocity was a spectacular way to skip over the fact that I had no idea what sex felt like by just imagining the characters couldn’t remember it. I have spared you some of the worst of the writing here, and skipped to the, um, not-so-juicy parts. This one was titled, “A Hippie Wedding,” but it should have been titled, “Mary Sue Was a Pagan.” The part that I’ve spared you included the words, “My friends and I had a strange culture. It was kind-of a combination of true Druidism and hippie-love.” Please note that at the time I was writing this, I had no fucking clue that there was a pagan subculture or kink subculture. Like, no clue at all. I believed that in order to live my life properly, I was going to have to save a lot of money, buy a plot of land in the middle of nowhere, and convince a lot of friends to come have sex outside in the fields with me. Lucky for me, I didn’t actually have to do that. Okay, on to the, um, story:


Now it was time for the true wedding.

I had been dressed (without either underwear or bra) in a black broomstick skirt, a black-and-purple tie-dyed shirt, and  long necklace of daisies tied together. But that was not all. I also wore a black choker, blue-crescent earrings, and a blue-crescent bracelet to match. On bare feet were pained peace signs and flowers. The crescent on my forehead had been darkly painted, and I was keenly aware of my flowing hair. The final outer symbol was a large daisy behind my ear. All the girls were dressed in black, all the boys in white. I linked arms with my Soul Sister, Jasmine, and then linked arms with Wren [her fiance], who was joined by his Brother, Salmon. In that formation we walked around a sort-of circle, then let go of our Siblings in the center. All the people joined hands around us, and finally I threw off my shirt. Underneath, my nipples had daisies glued to them with sap; a yin-yang was painted of my stomach; a large star was painted between my breasts; and a heart-peace-sing was painted on my back. Wren, too, stripped off his shirt, and we joined hands, raising our arms skyward, and singing a blissful song. All around us, the magic words, which simply cannot be translated, were sung.

At the song’s cue, I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. It was a light kiss, but it was enough to make us both want more. Finally, we sang the words which can only be translated:

Forever in thy arms,

Forever in thy embrace,

Forever I shall hold thee in my heart,

In this life and eternally,

I know thee! Thou art mine!

Forever… Forever… Forever… Forever…

And we were bound. I slipped my skirt from my waist, as he slipped off his bell-bottoms, and we twined our lips… our arms… our bodies… I felt nearly nothing that night. I felt the bliss of the Goddess; I felt the power between us; but I did not even so much as feel his lips on mine.

I do not know how long we lay there, but surely it was very late when we fell into an exhausted sleep.

The next morning I stumbled as I awoke, and was amazed to find no one but him there. I had not expected them to leave, but then, I smiled, for that was more our way than Hers. For the first time I got a good look at him, and saw his starch-blonde hair. He was freckled, and pale-skinned, but quite handsome, and obviously muscular. I was just pulling my shirt over my head when he awakened.

He stretched ungracefully and smiled lustfully at me. “You are even more beautiful in flesh than you were in my visions, and indeed,” he was speaking quite softly now, “you were the most beautiful woman I had ever even somewhat looked at then.”

“Surely my husband shall not love me for my face,” I said, pretending to be shocked.

“Oh, surely not,” he replied, almost jovially. “But surely such a priestess as you understands that men love all beauty, mental and physical.”

“As do women,” I whispered. “Even the Greatest One Herself.”


Well, I definitely feel like I owe you an apology after that, so I’ll give you something even weirder. I have no idea where this next one came from. I’m going to guess that it was Shakespeare’s fault. If I had to snarkily title it right now, I’d call it, “A Smile of Mirth.” Have fun counting clichés here…:

They talked and laughed, each holding a basket, their hands occasionally brushing. Oh, how he savored those moments! He wondered desperately if she felt the same thrill he did. He spread the picnic blanket down on the grass in the tiny field, entirely surrounded by trees. Oh, if only he were bold enough! They ate, and she giggled at his jokes. Suddenly, he stopped, a dark cloud covering his face.

“What’s wrong,” Hannah asked curiously, rolling over.

“There’s something I must tell you,” he whispered.

“What?” she asked, a smile of mirth on her face.

“I’m a boy,” he said helplessly.

She laughed. “Theodora! Really, you don’t expect me to believe that do you?”

He looked up abruptly. “Will you let me kiss you to prove it?”

She laughed. “Go ahead,” she shrugged good-naturedly. She stuck her lips out towards him. He thrust his mouth towards hers in such a forceful passion she was almost frightened. He threw his arms around her neck and rubbed his tongue in desparate union with hers. He slowly lay across her, and she felt a mysterious fiery life in her lips that they had never known before. Love was something that mind had barely known, and passion was something her body had never even dreamed existed.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

“Don’t stop now!” she said matter-of-factly. “Love is something you’ve always felt, but it’s something I’ve never known. Until now,” she added softly.

“As long as you want…”

“I do,” she said. And to prove it, she began to unlace her dress. She pulled off her shoes, and hastily threw off her petticoats. She sat back on the blanket and kissed his lips with a lust which more than matched his. He suddenly threw off his own shirt and pants and knelt over her in a fury of lust. She felt as though she were burning as the flames seemed to consumed her entire body. Life seemed to flow between them like two rivers running together. And then they felt the sweet waters wash over them like an ocean tide. Slowly, it slipped away until it was as though there was nothing left between them except two warm bodies.

And a mountain of love.

He kissed her breasts slowly, then said, “We’d better go back.”

“I know,” she said slowly. “But does it have to end?”

“Only in our bodies. But never in our hearts.”

She kissed him again. “How true.”

My cat Rufio decided to spare you my awful adolescent writing.

My cat Rufio decided to spare you my awful adolescent writing.


Somewhere around the age of 16, I magically transformed into a much more competent writer. Most things I’ve written since then don’t cause me to experience seizures of embarrassment and cringe so hard my face hurts. Since this next one only causes me to repeatedly bang my head against hard surfaces, I’m going to assume it was written after that literary epiphany. It’s still conspicuously written by a virgin who has no idea what sex feels like, but it’s at least a moderately engaging story. This is Cleopatra and Caesar porn. Because, you know… classics. I’ve skipped the set up where Cleopatra arranges to get to Caesar’s room in a carpet:

But even the odd rugs of the Persians, though heavy, did not weigh this much. He yanked it free, desirous of knowing its contents, and found a woman. Not just any woman though.

Cleopatra blinked without visible concern at the man she had come to visit. Handsome, but she had known handsomer. Not excessively large, but he would do. He would have to; she didn’t care what he looked like, just as long as he felt differently about her…

And she needn’t have feared that at all. His eyes immediately devoured all the exposed flesh of her body, and without difficulty contemplated what could not be seen, though there was little to contemplate. Despite her beauty, he stepped back, but remembered his Roman civilities.

“Queen Cleopatra! What a pleasant surprise! For what purpose am I so deeply honored by your presence?”

She wanted to laugh at his pretensious politeness, but she forced herself to smile charmingly. “Not too much of a surprise, I hope? I don’t imagine women rolled in carpets visit you frequently.”

He grimaced. “No. Somehow they always seem to find other means.”

There was a very thick silence between them as she sat up. She made no effort to break it, so finally he asked sharply,

“Why have you come?’

“Suppose I hadn’t a reason?”

“Women like you always have a reason for what they do: frequently eight or nine.”

She laughed. “Very well, then: to talk business.”

It took great restraint to keep from making the lewd remark which involuntarily popped into his head. Her attire suggested everything but business: she looked like a courtesan.

“Do you always dress like that when you come to talk treaties?”

She did not blush. “I dress how I like. This is the current state of fashion.” He looked at her and felt unconvinced. Her apparel consisted of a tiny top which left everything revealed except the very lowest portions of her breasts and her nipples. The heavily embroidered fabric was really gauze save for the thickness of the stitching. She wore a panty-like garment which also covered as little as was humanly possible. Then a short gauze skirt went around that. Intense beadwork hung all over the clothing, draped from various points on the top, skirt, and undergarment. Gold bracelets, ankle bracelets, necklaces covered her, yet she appeared oblivious to Caesar’s disapproval; naturally however, she was aware of it.

There was another, shorter, pause between them and the queen began again.

“I did not come here to discuss fashion, as no doubt I could visit your wife about such an issue. I came to talk business.

And so she did. Ruthlessly, she scoured him for every penny he could give her for Egypt’s aid, alliment, vessels, soldiers. Every time, she started out bigger than she knew he could accept, and then slowly lowered the demands. To his shock, he found she had already drawn up the documents ahead of time in Egyptian, Greek, and Latin without the aid of a scribe. The papers stated the exact conditions they had agreed upon. He knew now that he truly was facing one of the most intelligent people—men and women included—he had ever met. But it wasn’t her intelligence he was thinking about now…

He had a job to do, and he dutifully signed the papers. He did not ask her how she had known ahead of time what they would agree on: it no longer mattered.

She got up from the carpet she had been lounging on (she had never accepted the chair he had offered) and began walking towards the door.


She turned around with such a calculated measure of sharpness and poise that indicated to him that she had never really had any intention of leaving.

“Yes, my lord?” I was said daringly, as if she knew what he wanted, but also knew he would be afraid to ask for it.

It was a pulsing gaze which went between them now. “Did you come here to seduce me?”

She paused in a semblance of thought. “Have I made any attempts to do so?”

“No, but—“ he was rather discombobulated. “Perhaps it was simply my vanity,” he muttered.

She looked at him with glittering eyes, but for the third time that night, said nothing.

“You are married, are you not?” he demanded.

“I am. To my brother.”

It's classy if it's Caesar and Cleopatra, right?

It’s classy if it’s Caesar and Cleopatra, right?

He shook his head in disbelief. “I am still accustoming myself to the traditions of your country—they are very different from the ones of Rome. Can any boy of your body become heir?”

“Any child of my body may receive the crown. As may any child acknowledged of my husbands: it matters not which ones are born first, second, or third: whichever one wins.”

He nodded comprehension, as she once more turned to leave.

Rather than asking her to wait, he found a better way to stop her:

“There are many rumors about you.”

She did not turn around.

“Such as, my lord?”

“Such as you are a virtual nymphomaniac. That no man, unless he escapes your eyes, may escape your bed.”

She turned around slowly, and he could see anger in her face.

“I am not a nymphomaniac. And I am not a whore, as I know many others have said. And if no man escapes my bed after meeting me, perhaps it is because they all desire me, not the other way around.”

It stunned him, and made him blush at the accusatory note in her voice. Perhaps he truly had been mistake, yet she began to walk towards him. He still sat and she still stood, but she was very near him now—so near he could smell her very subtle perfume.

“Would you like a seduction, my lord?” Her voice was very quiet now, not the harpy-tuned challenges he had heard before.

“Why should I let you? There are women more beautiful than you.” It was a lie. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

She smiled and asked in a childish tone, “Where?”

“At the temple of Venus. I could get one right now, if I wanted.”

She laughed. “Yes, I suppose you could, as one is standing beside you, grossly lavishing her smiles on you.” He looked around him when she said that, but of course, there was only she.

You’re a priestess of Venus?”

“Yes. I told you, my lord, I am not a whore; I merely perform my Goddess’ rites a bit more assiduously than the common people approve.”

“And what must one do to become a priestess of Venus? Or is it some great mystery?”

She shrugged. “It’s no great secret, though it’s not widely known: one must be trained, then seduce a priest of Apollo.”

He stared at her. She was sitting on the floor beside him now. The priests of Apollo were well-known for being excessively virtuous, even at keeping their oaths of chastity, unlike many other priests who took similar vows.

“You seduced a priest of Apollo?” It did not surprise him. Such beauty could seduce any man with eyes to see it. Yet it would be easy for her to lie.

“Two, actually.” She smiled luxuriously at him. “At the same time, unfortunately.”

At the same time?”


She bent her lips towards his to kiss him. Not a timid first kiss, a passionate open-mouthed kiss that ran through his body in a rage of fire.

“You don’t love me.”

“True and find out for yourself. I pose riddles: they must be solved.”

“You love power.”

“Yes, but not necessarily any more than love.”

“You love Egypt?”

“More than anything in the world.”

“You would do anything in the world for her?”

“I have.”

She bent and kissed him again, and this time he melted. It was the most delicious flaming thing he had ever known. He knew lust like a disease, but he didn’t care: he had been infected too badly to think of anything other than her. It did not take long for him to draw her to his bed, but it meant brief a separation of their lips. It left him time to doubt.

“You don’t love me,” he repeated.

“I said to try and find out.”

He slipped what small pieces of clothing she wore off her and discarded them along with most of her jewelry. He put his hands on her generous bosom and let the delight of the touch flow through both their bodies.

As for the lady, she didn’t love him, but she had one night to convince him that she did. Egypt needed Rome, and so she needed Julius Caesar. This was the way treaties were signed for her: in a way far more dependable than blood. Besides, she liked this clever ruler: and he was better than she’d though he’d be.

She brought his mouth down to hers after he had discarded his clothes.

Give everything, she thought to herself. He’s probably slept with every courtesan in Rome. Convince him you’re much more than that.

She spread her legs and let him sink down into her, a raging torrent of pleasure that she used the tricks of Venus to ensure came to both herself and him.

His hands were everywhere along her body, as if hurriedly trying to memorize every detail of it. They rolled, and she gasped as the pain began, mingled indiscriminately with excessive pleasure. She arched her back to let its deluge come over her.

When his breathing slowed, he asked, “You do love me, don’t you?”

She smiled into the darkness, thanking Venus for her success.

“Do you have to ask?”

Burying his head in her voluptuous breasts, he murmured, “No, of course not.”


Sadly, I feel that I must concede this one to E.L. James.

As a chaser, I figure I’d offer up some of the erotica that I’ve written since I actually had sex. Nowadays, I mostly write erotica when I’m bored and lonely in hotel rooms. Then I post it to the internet. Here’s a sample:

All I Want for Christmas

 One Finger