Home » 2013 » September

Monthly Archives: September 2013

In Praise of Female Condoms

They’re obnoxiously expensive. They’re awkward as hell. They’re so intimidating to put in that there are actually educational youtube videos on how to do it. They were someone’s misguided attempt to create female liberation on the safer sex front by providing women with a “female-controlled” method of STI protection (sorry, folks, it didn’t really work out that way; female condoms definitely require a guy’s cooperation). They’re way too thick, and they occasionally make squeaky sounds when you’re fucking with them. I avoided them for years because they were so damned awkward-looking, and I only used them for the first time about a year ago. I can’t for the life of me imagine successfully having sex in the dark with one (but that’s not really my thing, so whatever).

And yet, here I am trying to shop for a remotely affordable 100-pack of female condoms.  The best I’ve found is on amazon.

That’s partly because my husband’s girlfriend/my play partner is allergic to latex, and the female condoms sold in the U.S. are all non-latex, and they both prefer female condoms to non-latex male condoms. But it’s also partly for me. Because I’ve discovered that despite their myriad disadvantages, female condoms can be handy. And being able to use female condoms or male condoms depending on the sexual situation turns out to be quite advantageous.

In case you’re wondering what advantages could possibly outweigh all those negatives above, I figured I’d write out a list of their advantages.

  • You can put them in long before you have sex. No need to stop the sexy and make the condom happen. You can grind all up and down your partner before you ever fuck, and voila! There is protection.
  • You can (and in my opinion, should) get your partner to put it in for you. Unlike putting a condom on with your mouth, putting a female condom in with a finger is something that pretty much anyone can do well. And thus the safer sex is naturally integrated with foreplay.
  • A guy can keep losing his erection, and your female condom doesn’t care.
  • One of the best parts: it’s easy to pop back and forth between fucking and oral sex. Female condoms don’t really taste much at all (I can’t taste them anyway), so a guy’s dick is just going to taste like whatever lube you used, not latex. This also means that it’s a cinch for a guy to pull out and cum in your mouth, on your chest, or whatever.
  • They’re quite handy for multi-person sex. If two women want to fuck one guy, both the girls can use female condoms and he can pop back and forth between them. And they turn out to be pretty fucking fantastic for coitalingus–which is where a guy fucks a girl’s pussy and someone else goes down on the pair of them simultaneously. Again, there’s no taste of latex, and his dick is mostly exposed, and her clit is easily exposed.
  • They’re great for hand-jobs, especially multi-person hand-jobs. You don’t have to keep changing gloves, because they pretty much already have gloves in their pussies! So handy! (Pun pun)
  • You can stick one female condom in a girl’s ass (you want to take the ring out if you’re going to do that) and another one in her pussy, and then you can play hole-switching games without having to worry much about the nasty vaginal infections that can result if you fuck ass and then pussy.
  • Unless you mess them up (which admittedly a lot of people do), they’re better disease protection than male condoms, because they’re better at protecting against skin-transmitted STI’s like herpes.

They’re definitely not perfect. I’ve heard guys complain that they’re like fucking a plastic bag. But sometimes they work so well that no one can tell they’re there (I actually once freaked a partner out because he didn’t know I had one in, and he said the sex felt naked enough he wasn’t sure I had a condom in).  So they’ve definitely got their uses.

Two cheers for female condoms!

Sometimes When the Goddess Closes a Pussy, She Opens an Ass

For pretty much my entire sexual life until about six months ago, one of the few hard and fast rules in my sex life was NOTHING GOES IN MY ASS.  I had permitted some experimentation over the years and never found receiving any ass-related activity remotely pleasurable.  I couldn’t even find it pleasurably painful.  I couldn’t even fathom what anyone found pleasurable about receiving assplay, and I pretty much just gave up, even though I lamented the inevitable deduction in my Slut Points as a result.

Then I got very sick.  For a long time.

My pussy was in shaky condition for several weeks from a yeast infection that turned into an off-an-on urinary tract infection…  And then it became downright unusuable after a kidney infection, another yeast infection, a likely ovarian cyst rupture, and an IUD with homicidal intentions (yes, this all really happened in the space of a couple of weeks).  All told, my pussy was completely unfuckable for two months, but it had been dubious for six weeks before that.

Of course, when I was at my sickest, I wasn’t really missing the sex much because I was in so much fucking pain.  But once I started to recover more, I started going nuts from being unfucked. It wasn’t just the physical sensation I missed (although Goddess knows I did, especially since for a lot of that time the lame external orgasms I could achieve frequently hurt to have)–it was the deeper emotional connection with  partners that I associate with being penetrated (with whatever bodypart).

So after slowly losing my mind for a couple of weeks, I came home one night and begged my husband to fuck my ass.  He’d only ever really done it once before for about thirty seconds, and he was understandably a bit wary.  I doubted I could ever get any regular pleasure from the experience, so I asked him to just dirty talk the hell out of me and fuck me into subspace to make it enjoyable for me.  I had persistently refused his many very polite requests to fuck my ass for yeeeeears.  So he was pleasantly surprised to find that whereas in the past I couldn’t cum if someone was even touching my ass, I actually managed to cum this time (screaming my head off) while he fucked it.

Well, I was desperate.

At that point, I was still regarding ass sex as a terrible substitute for “normal sex” (yeah, that’s a relative term for a kinky pansexual slut.  But this is my post, so just deal with the terminology).  My other partners got wind of my desperation and that my ass was now available, and started having a field day.  This was, afterall, a largely unexplored territory of my fairly well-explored slut body.  But the key epiphany came fairly early on, when VirginSlut was playing with my clit, and Capt was experimentally fingering my ass.

“Wait, go back!” I said frantically when he stopped doing something he had been doing.  “Whatever you were doing before actually felt good.” (You have to imagine the gasping surprise in my voice here).

We learned that night that the key to unlocking my ass was this weird side-to-side motion (cue Dr. Steel), and that the way to give me brain-breaking screaming orgasms was to bang my g-spot through my ass.  This was a double-epiphany, because historically I haven’t been able to tolerate much g-spot stimulation in my pussy, but it turned out to be just AWESOME coming through the back way.

And I got to have what I dubbed a “real orgasm” for the first time in months.

Because of my ass????

Of course, from that point on, it was just a gradual process of seduction.  There was an enthusiastic group of lovers to help me figure out that to get a cock into my ass, it usually worked a lot better to make me cum a couple of times with fingers first.  They stuffed fingers, silicone cocks, toys, and bio-cocks up me and kept startling me by how much fun it all could be.  The guys were still into the taboo part of the thing (asses are socially forbidden and dirty!), which is a fetish that I’ve never really been able to understand, but hey… I try to be GGG.  I just wanted to be able to have “real orgasms” again.

By the time my birthday orgy rolled around, and I could finally get my pussy thoroughly fucked, it felt weird by the end of the night that no one had fucked my ass.  I mentioned that sort of casually around 4 AM while dirty talking Capt… and he promptly fixed it.

And all I could think was: “Oh gods. I’ve turned into one of those sluts now.”

If you’re looking for a (im)moral to this story, I’m pretty sure it’s: if at first you don’t succeed, desperation and sexy people may fix that.

Some Advice on Pegging

So I got a request from a nice man on fetlife asking me for advice pertaining to pegging. I probably know very little about this compared to Tristan Taormino (the great ass sexpert), but I figured what the hell, I’d throw in my two cents on the matter.

For the uninitiated, Dan Savage popularized the label “pegging” to refer to women fucking men in the ass with strap-ons. However, just as intercourse should never be the be-all end-all of classic heterosexual penetrative sex, there is more to pegging than just strap-ons. For convenience, I’m going to use the term generically here to refer to any anal play done by women to men.

I’m going to tackle this issue in three parts. The first is how to introduce pegging into a sexual repertoire with a partner. The second is the tools of the trade that help for good pegging. And the third is the power-play and fantasy dimension that usually accompanies good pegging.

My now-husband started slowly introducing the idea of pegging into our relationship years before we ever did anything about it. He began by discussing it with me in a context where we were talking about deep dark fantasies (for anyone reading this blog, this strategy is an excellent one to begin confessing your own deep dark fantasies—ask for your partner’s). I was initially pretty skeptical, but he began educating me about the prostate, which if you don’t know, is basically the male G-spot, and can be stimulated indirectly externally behind the testicles, or directly internally in the anus. Hypothetically, men can orgasm just from prostate stimulation, although I confess I’ve never actually managed to pull that one off. For the gents reading this, don’t be discouraged if, upon revealing your pegging fantasy, your lady doesn’t instantly react with, “Why that’s always what I’ve wanted to do!” It may take some warming-up-to. Be warned that I haven’t encountered any subby girls who are really into pegging {although I assume they exist). Ladies, if you’re the one doing the introduction, make sure to tell your man about the prostate, and if he still looks skeptical, try offering to let him fuck you in the ass.

It can take a lot of experimenting to get good at it, though, because high-quality pegging requires an investment in high-quality equipment. The first thing I think is essential is a basic enema kit. Not the kind where you actually use a laxative—just use plain old water until the water comes back clean. If you’re usually clean, well, you probably don’t need an enema, but find out before you try to have sex the first time.  Asses are tricky like that, and everybody’s are messy sometimes, it seems. The second is good lube. I can’t stress this one enough: buy silicone-based lube (Pjur products are particularly good) and pay no heed to the price tag, because it’s worth every costly penny. But be careful, because your glorious silicone lube can damage your next essential tool, which is your handy silicone dildo. Cheap dildos suck and are even sometimes dangerous. Shell out the cash. It’s for your sex life—it’s worth it. I think the best dildos are VixSkin dildos, made by Vixen creations. But if you’re going to use silicone lube with silicone toys, you need to put a condom on your toy. If you despise condoms, then use a water-based lube that’s designed for anal penetration: I recommend Maximus, but it’s not anywhere near as good. Alternatively, you can use glass toys, but they’re pretty intense, and they’re not really good for beginners. Then your lady probably needs a harness to hold the strap-on unless she’s just going to hold it in her hand (which really isn’t a bad idea when you’re just starting out). There are many harnesses out there, and the cheap ones tend to be based on a thong design which I find intolerable. The designs have improved a lot in the last couple of years, and you can get some cool shit at Babeland if you’ve got the money. If you’re cheap and/or have a rope fetish, you can also just tie your own.  And last, but not least, buy some basic vinyl gloves. If you’re like me and hate latex gloves, non-latex gloves still work great. Some women don’t mind sticking their bare hands up boys’ asses, but she never knows until she tries how she’s going to feel about it, so it pays to be cautious.

So you’ve got a clean ass, some great lube, some gloves, and some really pricy new toys. Now what? The answer is up to you and your partners’ imaginations. For many (most?) men who want it, pegging is a submissive fantasy, and they really want to be dommed by their partners. It takes some experimentation to find out just how far that domming can go (How many fingers can he take? How big a dildo can he take? Don’t you want to know?). Boys, be aware that it’s not a coincidence that most women I know who are into pegging are Queer: they often enjoy the gender-bending that comes with strap-on fucking a man, and the sensation of fingering a guy’s ass is somewhat similar to another one of their favorite sexual activities… Conversely, some guys are into pegging as a heteroflexible fantasy. Consequently, a lot of times couples like turning this whole experience into an elaborate cross-dressing fantasy, e.g. with the guy in lingerie and the girl in gent’s attire. Or the lady can be imaginatively transformed into a hot trans boy—whatever the two of you like. You can treat your dildo like a cock—the guy can go down on it, give it a hand job, etc.—or you can just treat it like any old toy. Whatever you do, start small and work your way up. This is just like the first time you had intercourse: it’s better if you start with one finger, work your way up to two and maybe three and then move on to a cock (although personally I like fingering even more than strap-on fucking much of the time; however, the vast majority of men and women I know say that cock-like things are comfier in their asses than fingers and hands). Also, keep in mind that pegging may not be thrilling at first, because it requires a lot of feedback to work right–and a very vivid and kinky imagination doesn’t hurt!

Ladies reading this may be skeptically asking themselves, as I did, how am I supposed to get my kicks here? There isn’t inherently a lot of direct physical stimulation for the wielder of a strap-on generally, unless you invest in one of the Feeldoes or similar devices designed for double penetration, which many people find rather awkward. Of course, if it turns you on enough, there’s nothing stopping you from reaching down and touching yourself, but if your boy is reasonably flexible, there’s a decent chance in fucking doggy style that you can make him do the reaching and touching.

Pegging is complicated and more expensive than vanilla sex. But totally worth it, in my opinion.

“Can I Get Two Sluts Please?”

Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do: two chicks at the same time.
Peter: That’s it, two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Yeah, I always wanted to do that, and if I had a million dollars I think I could hook that up too. Chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter: Well not all chicks.
Lawrence: The kind of chicks that would double up on a guy like me do.
From Office Space


I’m going to say this at the beginning, and I’m going to say this again at the end: guys, you don’t need a million dollars to get threesomes.  I mean, a million dollars will almost certainly get you a threesome with a certain kind of girl, but you can get regular threesomes for a whole lot less if you have something cheaper but possibly just as rare: a slut fetish. Allow me to explain.


Neither kink culture nor vanilla world often let me forget just how much straight men (and apparently many bi men too) fantasize about the idea of having sex with two women at once.  I’ve spent the last six months or more playing a lot in a crazy triad with my partners, Capt (a man) and VirginSlut (a woman), and being hopeless exhibitionists, we tend to play a lot in public.  I’m regularly amused, a little flattered, and occasionally slightly annoyed by how often guys comment to Capt that he’s “winning” or how lucky he is to be playing with both of us.  The annoyance arises because (1) the reverse is pretty much never true–neither women nor men come up to me and VirginSlut and tell us how lucky we are.  (This is especially funny since women and men both hit on Capt constantly).  And (2) because it feels like there’s an implicit belief that this is somehow all for his benefit–like VirginSlut and I aren’t getting something out of this.  I think both of these points get to the heart of why most straight men never get what they seem to spend a spectacular amount of energy fantasizing about: regular threesomes with two women.

So, guys, I’m going to let you in on three really important secrets.  Okay, are you paying attention?

1. If you want regular threesomes with two women, you have to not think that it’s all about you.  Oooooh, I’m sorry.  Did you think that girls just had sex to please you?  That’s what subs and sluts do, right?  Maybe some of them do; I don’t.  Sure, we create scenes where it looks like that’s the case.  Actually, we stage scenes like that all the time.  We dirty talk that way.  But it’s not really true; it’s not really true at all.  As it happens, we sluts still like to cum.  A lot.  And you have to be willing to put effort into that.  A lot.

And you have to realize that two girls fucking each other on top of you might actually–goddess forbid–enjoy fucking each other when you’re not there too, and that they might not be doing it just so you can get a good view.  Something about straight male culture tends to freak the fuck out when women enjoy fucking each other because… they enjoy fucking each other.  Yup, sorry, both of my girlfriends’ hands are bigger than your cock.  Get. Over. It.

Connected with that, you’ll get better at threesomes with women if you think outside the box, as it were.  Spending all your time trying to figure out how to get your dick into two women’s pussies may be a fun exercise for jerking off, but it’s often a very impractical reality.  You make a much better impression if you’re willing to use all your assets–hands, tongue, and dick (and even better if you add your ass to that)–to please us.  “My ass???” the stereotypical straight male dom says in panic.  Oh, yes, I said your ass; we’d love to peg it.  This is all related to the second secret.

2. Sometimes, your best bet is to offer yourself up as a sacrifice for our pleasure.  Good luck finding your idyllic threesome arrangement if you don’t find the idea of two women using you for their pleasure to be wicked hot.  Remember I said that we want something out of this too?  The sacrifice of your body is a rare and precious thing you can provide us with.  I’ve actually used my husband’s cock to fuck women with on several occasions, always to great effect, earning him the nickname “the human dildo.”  (We described the scene to a vanillaish friend who said seriously to my husband, “That sounds traumatizing!” [To be used like that]. He quipped, “I know. It was so traumatizing that I’ve been fantasizing about it ever since.”).

You want to drown in pussy?  Then beg for a girl to sit on your face while another one sits on your dick and they make out.  Let us gangbang your willing ass.  Put a hand in each of us while we grind against each other.  Then maybe you’ll get that two-girl blowjob you’ve been fantasizing about… some of us having actually been trying to really work on the fine art of giving one.

3. Get a slut fetish. This one’s really the heart of the thing.  Other than the simple reason that triads are incredibly unstable relationship dynamics, the real reason most guys can’t get a threesome lasting longer than a night (if that long) is because they don’t have what it really takes to get and keep two women: a slut fetish.  Yes, it’ll do if you don’t mind the fact that we’re going to fuck other guys too, but if you’re actually into it, then your chances of keeping us go way up.  Ahh, now I really heard the straight male dom panic sputtering again in the background.  “But, but, my cock isn’t good enough for you?  You want other guys too??”  Um, yes.

The thing that neither vanilla culture, nor kink culture (to a lesser degree) seems to fully appreciate is that the “kind of girls” who will gleefully threesome a guy tend to be 1. prostitutes 2. sluts and 3. not straight.  If you’ve nixed the prostitute part of that equation, you’re left with “greedy sluts who like to have their holes filled by an array of genitalia, random body parts, and other assorted objects.”  We’re sluts.  Which means that we probably have (or at least could have) a number of guys with a variety of impressive sexual assets in our contacts list, under our skirts, on a leash, or in a cage in our house.  But we’ll keep coming back to you in pairs or more because you accept us for who and what we are and are turned on by it.  And if you don’t freak out at the idea of us sleeping with other guys.  And girls.  And assorted other genders.  And if you’re actively turned on by it, then you get major bonus points.

Oh shit!  It turns out that sluts are also people, not just a greedy collection of holes (even if we like to be dirty-talked like that’s all we are)!  

The thing is, it’s not hard for two girls who really want to fuck a guy together to go out and find a guy to screw.  In reality, even if the girls in question are only moderately attractive, there will probably be a long line of men volunteering for the position.  So women who want that can afford to be pretty picky about the guys they take, even if their slutty dispositions disincline them towards selectivity.  Which in turn means that if it’s something you really want, you really have to stand out from the crowd.  Real, live, socially well-adjusted, slut-fetishizing men are about as common as… well, they’re not common.  So if you can condition yourself to get a slut fetish, you can vastly improve your chances of making your fantasy a reality (no promises, though).

The point is, you don’t need a million dollars.  You just need a slut fetish (which is probably even harder to come by for some people).


For my birthday, a dear friend SteelZombie searched for “slut” on etsy.  She found a woman who makes cute matching necklaces that are usually sold in pairs, with one saying “slut” and the other “master.”  Knowing VirginSlut’s and my relationship dynamic, she wrote to the woman and asked, “Can I get two sluts?”  The woman said “Sure!”  It usually isn’t that easy.  Sorry, guys.

slut necklace

A Slut’s Creed

This was not written to be any other slut’s creed.  But this is how I do slutting.


I have sex for pleasure and satisfaction—my own, and my partners’.                     

  • I do not have sex to manipulate people.
  • I do not have sex to keep people in a relationship.
  • I do not have sex because I can’t think of anything else to do.
  • I do not have sex while intoxicated or with people who are, unless they are regular partners.
  • I do not have sex because I’m “supposed to.”
  • I can always say “no” if I want to—at any point, at any time, with any person.  As a slut, I usually choose not to.

If I seek sex for emotional validation or to feel wanted, I am honest with myself that this is what I want so I can fulfill the need.

  • I may have sex with people just because they ask—if I am so inclined.
  • I do my best not to emotionally hurt others or get hurt by fulfilling this need.
  • I may yield to pressure for sex without becoming a “victim”; I may even be excited by it.  I can also stop it whenever I want.

I define “sex” and “fucking” as it suits my and my partners’ desires.

  • I am not constrained by the heteronormative “coital imperative.”
  • I may kiss and flirt without wanting to fuck; if that makes me a “tease,” so be it.

I enjoy being used sexually without it reducing my sense of self or personhood.

  • I never knowingly allow someone to cheat on their partner(s) with me.

I enjoy using others sexually without it reducing their sense of self or personhood.

I practice safer sex for my own and my partners’ health.

  • I try to remember that communication and knowing my partners is the most important aspect of safer sex.
  • I recognize that “coitus,” while sexy, is a very risky sexual practice even with condoms and restrict it accordingly.