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Sex vs. Relationships: A Rant About the Great Chemistry Experiment

I don’t think I could count the number of times I’ve been told, “Just because you have awesome sex with someone doesn’t mean they should be your boy/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife!” Other variations include, “Sexual chemistry doesn’t equal relationship chemistry!” and “Just because they’re great with the lights off doesn’t mean they’re great with the lights on!”

Fuck. That. (more…)

Dear Cosmo Writer: I Am Not Your Problem

The other day (I have no idea how—it’s the internet), my husband stumbled across the following link in Cosmo.  He and I were out on a date, and being the kind of married couple we are, our idea of a good date was to spend about an hour or so mocking the silly editorial.  (So thanks, Cosmo writer, you provided entertainment for us on our date).  Part of the reason we spent so much time discussing and dissecting the article is because, of course, it is aimed at… women like me—the supposedly mythical species of women who say they like blowjobs.  The skepticism that this particular writer displays towards my species is considerable.  She seems convinced that women who say they like giving blowjobs are lying.

 

I’ll go ahead and concede one of her points straight off: I can’t have what most people would label an orgasm by giving head.  I can, however, have energy orgasms by giving head, and I can also have orgasms by giving head and jerking myself off, or giving head and getting someone else to jerk me off, or (heaven forbid!) giving head and getting head at the same time…  which leads me to my overall point.  I don’t think that this particular writer is actually angry that there are women who say they like giving blowjobs.  I don’t think that she honestly believes that I am her problem.  And I don’t even think that I am her key complaint.  I think her main complaint is that in heteronormative sexual encounters, blowjobs are expected and cunnilingus is not[1].   Rather than just accepting her blaming of sluts like me who like sucking cock for this norm, I figured I’d take the time to explore some of the actual reasons that I think that this purportedly pernicious inequity persists.  I know most of my own sexual encounters with guys (whether relatively casual or serious) tend to involve me giving him head and only occasionally getting it, so I am clearly contributing to this woman’s problem in multiple ways.

 

For the rest of this post, I’m going to ruthlessly skip back and forth between my own preferences and what I think are the preferences of women in general. But unless I’m citing actual studies, this is really just my opinion about women’s preferences and experiences.  By all means, feel free to comment with your own opinion.

 

First off, let’s start with actual, real-life preferences.  Heterosexuals don’t know this, but women who have sex with women do: the culture at large imagines that lesbian sex involves vast amounts of cunnilingus, and that this is the consummate sexual act among women having sex with other women.  But the reality, I think, is simply not so[2].  I have spoken with many other women (admittedly, mostly bisexual women, but these are the vast majority of women who have sex with women); the general agreement is that cunnilingus is lovely, but hands and fingers are usually better.  Most women I have spoken to say that they can orgasm from someone licking their pussies, but they can cum more reliably and “better” from having something inside them (it doesn’t have to be a cock or a dildo—in fact hands are often preferred).  (And oh man, if you’ve ever tried to tongue-fuck someone, you know that weird sore-strain that you get on the part that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth… yeah, it doesn’t encourage you to make a habit of it. Ow).  Contrary to what cultural “wisdom” claimed for many years, the clitoris is actually quite large and extends a long way inside the vagina.  Unsurprisingly, many women like to have that entire area stimulated.  Now, you can do especially lovely things to some women by going down on them and fingering them at the same time (I’m a big fan of receiving this myself).  But the reality is that even among women having sex with other women, cunnilingus is not exactly taken-for-granted the way that most people assume that it would be.  So maybe women giving men fellatio isn’t what’s keeping women from getting head themselves.

 

This begs the question: do most women love getting head?  I haven’t done a survey, but I have asked a lot of women (admittedly, they’re mostly sex-obsessed kinky women like me).  Their usual answer is, “Sure! It’s great!… Butttttt I usually like other things better.” (By all means, ladies, feel free to voice your own opinion in the comments sections).  Now in considering women’s preferences about receiving oral sex, let’s never forget the way that our culture has taught women that their vaginas are awkward and undesirable.  And no matter how much we might try to avoid that, even some of the most determined sluts I know are still a bit self-conscious about the way that their vaginas taste, especially since they have no way of knowing how they taste to somebody else.  (I’ve never heard a guy spend a lot of time worrying about the way that his dick tastes—maybe they do!—but I haven’t heard them angsting it very much.  Women, meanwhile, constantly worry).  And so, as a woman, having someone go down on you can feel a little uncomfortable unless you really believe they’re into what they’re doing.

 

I know for myself the key factor in getting good cunnilingus is always my partner’s enthusiasm.  I love being eaten out by someone who’s really into it…  But I don’t really like asking for it, because then I’m not sure how enthusiastic the giver really is (which has the negative side effect of making me appear less enthusiastic about it).  And while I always appreciate an earnest stubble-free attempt at cunnilingus from a partner, the truth is my body is terribly picky about the head I get. On top of being picky, I have absolutely no idea how to advise someone on how to give me good head.  I can’t parse the sensations of tongues and mouths and happy feelings.  So when someone does a really fantastic job, I have no idea how to tell the next person how to replicate what the other person did.  I just quake and tremble and hope that someone happens to figure it out.  I’ve gotten some really fucking fantastic head in my life.  It rocks my world!  I’m not dissing it.  It’s brain-breakingly awesome… sometimes.  And yet on the average sexual day, it’s usually not the thing that I’m seeking most.  The sex I most frequently want is the kind where my pussy gets stuffed up with… things.  And I really don’t require a lot of finesse or technique for that to feel great.  Which means that all things considered, I figure it’s much better for everyone if I just prioritize forms of sex other than cunnilingus.

 

But as someone who loves to lick pussy and suck cock, I feel compelled to point out that eating pussy is much harder to do well than sucking cock.  For starters, dicks are very easy to find; they tend to be pretty conspicuous, especially when hard.  They also tend to like remarkably similar types of oral stimulation (handjobs are an entirely different proposition—it’s much easier to give girls awesome handjobs than guys).  The main variation between guys seems to be how much teeth they like.  But with women, their clitorises are in different places on their bodies, and sometimes they like to hide way the fuck up in multiple layers of hoods and skinfolds and goddess only knows what else.  On top of that, they all seem to like completely different types of oral stimulation, so damned if I can figure out how to generalize from one woman to the next what constitutes “good head” any more than “good kissing” seems to generalize from one person to the next.  I am cognizant of this dilemma when I have sex with people, so I don’t honestly expect people to be able to give me awesome head, especially since (as I said before) I can’t offer them much useful advice.

 

In addition to women’s preferences about receiving cunnilingus, we have to consider women’s preferences about giving fellatio.  One study that I adore found that women enjoyed giving blowjobs and men enjoyed receiving blowjobs because of the feeling of control and power they experienced from it; these people were, mind you, self-identified vanillas.  I think one of the reasons that blowjobs so often feature in heterosexual encounters—particularly casual ones—is that women feel empowered by them.  I know I like being in control, and it’s easy for me to feel like I’m in control when giving a blowjob (although of course, it’s an easy power dynamic to switch on).  On the other hand, it takes a fair bit of work and imagination on the part of a woman laying on her back with her legs spread and genitalia fully exposed in order to convince herself and the other person that she’s in control.  I’ve done it myself, but it takes effort.

 

I know for me, a major part of my pleasure in sexual encounters is my own feelings of sexual prowess (what? Women like to feel good in bed too? Who knew??), and giving head tends to make me feel good at pleasing my partner.  I have never felt secure in my ability to be good at PIV sex (and for the life of me, I’ve never figured out what makes a woman good at PIV sex, but if I ever do figure it out, I’ll make sure to pass the information along).  Other than clenching and unclenching my pussy around a guy’s dick and screaming loudly when I cum, I don’t know what’s supposed to make me good at getting fucked.  (And notice how easily I slip into the passive voice there).  But I have accumulated a fair bit of information about what makes a woman good at giving a blowjob (even if my repertoire of skills has been somewhat ruined by spending too much time sucking dicks that like toothy head).  Which means that one of the ways that I can feel satisfied about my own sexual skills in an encounter is by giving head; getting head, meanwhile, does nothing to satisfy those feelings.

 

So… are women like me who say they like giving blowjobs responsible for the persistent unequal exchange of hetero oral sex in this culture?  Probably a little bit.  It’s true that I don’t really want to have a lot of sexual encounters which consist solely of me giving men blowjobs; I’d like for my partners to do something for me too.  But I find sexual encounters in which, say, I give a guy a blowjob and he fists me, to be entirely satisfactory.  I certainly don’t support a sexual culture in which only one person gets things that they find physically gratifying.  And guys who don’t give pleasure don’t deserve to get pleasure.  If you sleep with them and they do nothing or next-to-nothing for you, don’t sleep with them again.  Hey, that was easy.  I really don’t think women who say they like giving blowjobs are the problem in that scenario.  It seems to me that the men are… so maybe we should fix them instead?

 

And maybe, just maybe, we learn to have honest conversations with our partners about what we want—what we want to give and what we want to receive.  And we try to listen to our partners and our own bodies, and not let an ignorant but sex-obsessed culture tell us what we “really” want.

 

Dear Cosmo Writer:

Here’s my advice to you: don’t sleep with a guy twice who doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure.  They don’t deserve it.  And don’t blame me for your sexual dissatisfaction if you don’t follow my advice.


[1] Yes, there are plenty of guys who regularly give awesome head.  But statistics indicate that fellatio is expected in heteronormative encounters while cunnilingus is not.

[2] I found one recent study on the subject, and it indicated that cunnilingus was probably slightly less common than other types of sexual activities among women having sex with women.

“But How Do I Become a Slut?”

“I’m not a slut, I just love love!”~P!nk, “Slut Like You”

 

The term “slut” is obviously a pretty loaded one in our culture.  In vanilla world, it’s a pejorative term, and labeling someone (almost always female) a “slut” practically by definition makes them undateable and unmarriageable—a girl who’s fine to fuck, but not fine to introduce to your mom and your friends.  Kinkworld, meanwhile, has been enthusiastically reclaiming the term and the concept of “slut” with the same kind of passionate intensity that Queers have been reclaiming “queer.”  The 7th most popular group on the fetlife is “Sluts, Cunts, and Whores,” and the most prized camper award at Dark Odyssey Summer Camp is the Camp Slut award—an award that people sometimes actively compete for.  I think it’s pretty telling that my husband once fucked the Camp Slut during her gangbang, and then tried to figure out how to ask her to dinner.  Now admittedly, he’s clearly got a taste for a certain kind of girl since he’s been married to me for many years, but as a more general trend, I’ve never heard anyone in Kinkworld complain or indicate that someone being a “slut” made the person undateable (except that it sometimes means they don’t have a lot of time), and only one person complain that she couldn’t get a date because people thought she was too slutty.

Suffice it to say that I come from an alternate sexual universe where being a slut is actually a desirable characteristic.  Since I assumed that some people might be reading this who come from a sexual universe where a gangbang won’t get a girl a date (and I think a few earnest marriage proposals too, actually), I figured I’d do a little quick research to see what it means to be a slut to the rest of the world.  I consulted the almighty urbandictionary, which informed me first and foremost that a slut is “a woman with the morals of a man.”  That sentence is pithy and obviously intended to be humorous, and it certainly says a great deal about how our culture understands sex in relation to femininity and masculinity (i.e. having sex with a lot of people is something that is only socially acceptable for men).  It does not, however, say much about what it would mean in practice to be a slut.  The second-most popular definition (and there’s a big gap here) is more practically informative: “Someone who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him a sympathy fuck either because someone asked her to or she just has to fuck everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitly increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.” Grammatical and spelling errors aside, this definition also emphasizes the idea of “slut” as a term to apply to women and suggests that, morals aside, sluts provide a social good by fucking everyone and thereby helping to decrease sex crimes (I’m not even going to touch the implicit assumption here that men would uncontrollably rape lots of women if some women didn’t agree to sex readily…)

I don’t claim to know with certainty what it means to have “the morals of a man.”  I do know that a guy once asked me the morning after we had sex if it “meant” anything, and I quipped, “It means we had sex.”  One of my best (lesbian) friends informed me (equally sardonically, I think), that this response meant that I am, “in fact, a boy.”  If it’s masculine to believe that chemistry, attraction, friendship, love, and romantic love are more inherently meaningful than sex itself, then I guess I have the “morals of a man.”  But I know that I don’t indiscriminately fuck boys (although there was a time when I indiscriminately fucked girls), so I definitely lose out on the second definition.

That said, these definitions don’t seem to apply very well in my world anyway, because in my universe, “slut” is basically gender neutral—I call both women and men sluts (especially most of my partners…).  Hell, the Camp Slut award this year was given to a guy (who I fucked… I’ve never not fucked the Camp Slut actually).  My peeps decided that “slut” can be a BDSM-type role (as in, “she’s my slut,” the same way you might say, “she’s my sub”), and two of my partners actually address me as “slut” the same way that one of them calls the other one “sir.”  We also decided that “slut” can be a sexual orientation as well—a sort of slang term for “polysexual,” meaning that variety is a key aspect of your sexuality and sexual attraction.

In my experience, there are three main types of good[1] sluts: 1) Sluts of Yes, 2) Sluts of More, and 3) Sluts of Poly; I’ve met them all, but there may be others.  Sluts of Yes encompass the second definition in urbandictionary: women and men who really just don’t turn down sex very much, and appear by most people’s reckoning to have no standards.  When you ask them what it’s like to have sex with people they’re not attracted to, they stare at you in puzzlement and assure you that they’re basically attracted to everyone.  These people make kickass escorts, because they have such a damned good time with whoever they’re with.  They’re very unlikely to turn you down for sex because… well, because you asked.  It’s not that they’re afraid of hurting your feelings, but if there’s no good reason to say “no,” why wouldn’t they say “yes”?  Sluts of More want sex… allll the time.  Sure, lots of people say they “think about sex constantly,” but sluts of more actually have all that sex.  And then some.  It’s sometimes hard to get that much sex from just one or two people, so they often end up going to lots of different people to get it all.  Sluts of Poly often seem to be in love with sexual pleasure.  They say things like, “It’s only a one-night stand if it’s not very good.”  They also utter statements like, “I don’t usually have sex with people I’m not at least friends with.”  Then you ask them, “How many of your good friends haven’t you had sex with?,” and they start counting on their fingers—and often can’t fill up a hand; they’re frequently left with the friends who are into a different gender. Sex is one of their and their friends’ main shared interests and hobbies.  Sluts of Poly often cluster in (sometimes fairly large) friendcestuous networks where everyone fucks everyone else.  They tend to have a massive collection of “regular partners,” and still somehow manage to pick up more people.

If you’re contemplating a life as a slut, I recommend thinking carefully about which aspects of sluttery most appeal to you: do you want to have lots of NSA (No Strings Attached) sex with people you are loosely connected to or don’t know, or do you want to have lots of sex with people you’re relatively close to?  Is the key factor having lots of sex, or lots of partners?  If your priority is having lots of sex, it’s usually easier to get a few regular partners than to try to constantly go out and recruit more people for sex.  On the other hand, if the appeal is the newness of people and having more variety in your life, you can usually accomplish your slutty goals more successfully by having one or two main partners and then hooking up with a variety of people.

One of my partners, who is pretty much a Queen Bee of sluts, somehow manages to be all three types of slut at once, I think.  For myself, I usually think of myself mostly as a Slut of More and most particularly as a Slut of Poly.  I like having a lot of awesome sex with a fairly large number of people, and in my experience, it’s easier to have awesome sex with people I know well and care about than people I just met.  Both despite and because of this preference, I had to make a “guideline” for myself awhile back that I wouldn’t have sex with someone by myself (group sex rules are more flexible) unless I was actively attracted to them or at least suspected that I was.  I learned through trial and error that the sex generally just wasn’t especially good unless I was actively attracted to someone, but I experimented back in an era where I had a lot fewer regular partners.  I’ve now accumulated a rather impressive number of awesome regular partners, and having mediocre sex with new people usually just feels like a waste of time unless one of my regular partners is unavailable.  But I issued the guideline for myself because I’m a slut, and I’m usually tempted to say “yes” to people (well, women, at least) just because they asked.  That desire to say “yes” to sex and kink is the heart of what makes someone a slut, in my opinion.

So the short answer is, if you want to become a slut, start saying “yes” A LOT—more than really feels comfortable to you.  (I’m taking for granted here that you’re going to follow some version of my Slut’s Creed and practice safer sex, try to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe in other ways, and be honest with yourself and your partners as much as possible, etc.).  After you’ve said “yes” a lot, you can winnow down the things and people you say “yes” to based on what you enjoy most.  Being a slut is first and foremost a state of mind, with the idea of being desired and saying “yes” feeling like a great turn-on; after that, it’s all about learning how to actualize your fantasies.

The longer answer is, I think, to try to figure out exactly what appeals to you about sluttery and try to manifest your desires.  I personally think it’s helpful to have an idealized role model.  For me, my idealized role model has always been courtesans, first the Venetian courtesans of the movie  “Dangerous Beauty” (which I watched repeatedly as a teenager), and later the sacred courtesans of Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel books. Product Details

I’ve slept with guys who admitted they idolized Casanova (there’s a great movie of that one too), and one (bisexual) guy who said he always fantasized about being the girl in really slutty porn.  But the main reason that those kinds of role models are helpful is because they can help you figure out what it is that you like: for the Casanovas out there, it’s all about leaving people awed with stunning sexual prowess; for the slut-tastic would-be porn stars, it’s often about stunt sex; for some sluts, it’s about pleasure in degradation; and for the switchly would-be courtesans like me, it’s about being someone’s fantasy made flesh, and often submitting to Desire while still being in control of a sexual situation.  I think everyone’s pleasure in sluttery is different, and the key is to delve deep into your fantasies and figure out what your pleasure is.

“My reality is your fantasy”

The most important thing about becoming a slut is to start trying to figure out how to manifest your fantasies.  Admit what you want, and try to shed a lifetime of social nonsense that says you shouldn’t want it or have it.  That can take a lot of work for some people.  It’s also about believing that what you want is possible.  When I say “what you want,” the most important element is not what you can find or get, but what you can be or give.  The most successful sluts I know (of all genders) get really good at something and wait for awesome people and situations to turn up, rather than going out to try to find something specific.  And that’s what I recommend to you: get really good at whatever aspect of sluttery appeals to you (this requires practice and diligent application!), and then see what happens.


[1] I’m staying sex-positive here, so I’m going to ignore the “sluts” who promise monogamy and then cheat on their partners, although I assume they are the most common category statistically.

How to Have Awesome FFM Threesomes Without Intercourse

I used to think threesomes were lame. I wasn’t one of those poly people (like so many poly people I love and fuck) who spent a great deal of time fantasizing about group sex.  I liked having sex around other people who were having sex, but I thought that threesomes were just hopelessly awkward, both physically and emotionally.

Times change.

These days, I actually probably spend more time having triadic sex than dyadic sex.  My partners constantly laugh at me for my previous dislike of threesomes, and I point out to them that I’ve learned a lot about the ways to have good threesomes over the last year.  For me, I personally find threesomes are vastly better when 1. There are clearly established sexual and emotional relationships between all parties (less angst + more chemistry = better sex) and 2. None of the people involved require any form of intercourse in order to feel that a satisfying sexual encounter has occurred.

All of the rest of this post will be focused on cis-gendered FFM/FMF (two gals, one guy) threesomes because they’re the only ones I have sufficient information to write about usefully.  I’m assuming that these are all threesomes (that is, where everyone is having sex with everyone else) and not what I call veesomes, which are triadic encounters in which two people are having sex with one person and have no intention of having sex with each other (usually sexual orientation restrictions apply).

So, if you’ve got one dick, two pussies, and three asses, you might be wondering why the hell you’d want to have a threesome without sticking that dick in either of those pussies or asses.  There are two basic answers to that question: safer sex and good times.  A lot of times, people have poly restrictions that prevent them from having intercourse with people who aren’t their primaries, and it’s extremely common for people to end up in a threesome situation where they’re fluid-bound with woman A but not woman B.  While female condoms can help minimize some of the awkwardness in these situations, guys often find that their dicks are a bit… disappointed when switching from bare wet pussy to condom.  You can save yourself all the awkwardness that arises from using condoms with woman A but not woman B by just not engaging in intercourse with either one.

And the truth is that for all that you can do a lot of fun things while trying to have intercourse with two women, it can be somewhat limiting for involving all parties at once—no matter how creative you are, a dick can only fit in one pussy at a time.  It can be a lot easier to keep everyone involved in a high-quality way if you don’t focus too much on the intercourse.

Here are some of my partners’ and my favorite threesome positions that don’t involve intercourse.  I figure a picture is worth a thousand words, so I created avatars to help illustrate concepts…

The Mindfuck

The Mindfuck

The Mindfuck

Put your guy on his back laying down.  Put woman A on top of the guy front-to-front.  Put woman B with her face between the other two people’s legs.  The point of the mindfuck is that the guy and woman A can’t see what’s going on, and woman B’s job is basically to convince them that they’re actually fucking: play with the girl’s pussy with her hand, wriggle that girl’s hips down near the guy’s dick.  Eventually, woman B sucks guy’s dick while sticking her fingers simultaneously in woman A’s pussy.  From there the trick is to ride woman A’s hips in time with the sucking to create the total illusion of fucking. (I’ll go ahead and tell you that this one really is better if woman B starts riding the guy’s dick with her pussy while fingering woman A, and then you really do leave the guy feeling like he’s fucking two girls at once.  But that’s not what this post is supposed to be about).  Bonus points if you can make both people cum at once.

The Reinforcement

The Reinforcement

It’s a very long-term fantasy of mine to be able to basically missionary-fuck a girl with my hand.  Unfortunately, it turns out that my arm isn’t actually that long and my wrist doesn’t really bend that way.  So one of my female partners suggested that when I really want to do that, we should “call in the reinforcements.”  And oh, it’s a beautiful thing…  Woman A wriggles and writhes up against Woman B while the guy fingers both of them at once.  Bonus points if he can do it with one hand.  Super bonus points if he can make them cum at the same time (I think I’ve said that before).

The Peg Puzzle

The Peg Puzzle

The Peg Puzzle

If you have a guy who’s into pegging, you can make for a hella sexy time by getting woman A to fuck the guy in the ass with her strap-on .  Get woman B behind woman A doing a reach-around maneuver to get her fingers behind woman A’s strap-on harness and on her clit, and thus able to give woman A a handjob while woman A fucks the guy.  After woman A has cum, the women can switch places.  This is especially fun if you tell the guy he has to be able to last long enough that both women get to cum.

Chinese Fingercuffs

Chinese Fingercuffs

Chinese Fingercuffs

Woman A sucks guy’s dick while sticking a finger or 5 up his ass.  Woman B gets behind woman A and sticks her fingers in woman A’s pussy.  The real trick here is for woman A to clench her pussy around woman B’s fingers whenever the guy clenches his ass around woman A’s finger.  If you can make everyone cum at once (basically in a line), then you achieve a fancier version of what I like to call a “chain orgasm.”

The Sex Toy

The Sex Toy

The Sex Toy

This one is kind of a variation on The Mindfuck, but the goal is entirely different.  The goal of the Mindfuck is to leave a woman and a man feeling like they’ve just fucked; the goal of the Sex Toy is to leave one woman feeling like a sex toy.  In this one, you get woman A lying on her back and the guy on his back next to her.  Then you get woman B alternately giving one of them head while giving the other one a handjob.  This allows the guy and woman A to do all kinds of shit to woman B, dirty talk like hell, and do crazy things to each other’s mouths and nipples.  It usually requires a serious feat of multi-tasking on the part of woman B, so she usually gets a reward of both people fucking her up at once when she’s done.

Holding Hands

(sorry, Barbies aren’t good at fisting…)

…Fucking her up at once?  But how?  Oh, there are so many ways…  One of the most fun is to use one hand from the guy and one hand from the other woman to butterfly fist her together at once.  One person can also put a hand up her pussy while the other one puts a hand up her ass.  And let’s not forget the classy arrangement where one person fists her while the other one rubs her clit… and then they switch.

Tongue in Cheek

Tongue in Cheek

Tongue in Cheek

It’s really hard for two people to give cunnilingus at the same time.  It’s much more feasible for one person to give cunnilingus while the other gives analingus.  But far more successful in my experience is when one person fingers the girl while the other one licks her pussy.

Bobbing for Apples

Bobbing for Apples

Bobbing for Apples

This one is simple, easy, straightforward, and makes most guys lose their minds: the two-girl blowjob.  We call it “bobbing for apples” when the girls can get a rhythm going where they take turns sucking his cock.  One can suck the tip while the other licks the base.  One can give a normal blowjob while the other one sucks his balls.  The real bonus here is if the guy can start cumming in one girl’s mouth and then finish in the other’s.

******
I’ve said before that hands are better than dicks, and when you have FMF threesomes, you have six hands and one dick. Why limit yourself to what that one poor overworked cock can do?

In Praise of Female Condoms

They’re obnoxiously expensive. They’re awkward as hell. They’re so intimidating to put in that there are actually educational youtube videos on how to do it. They were someone’s misguided attempt to create female liberation on the safer sex front by providing women with a “female-controlled” method of STI protection (sorry, folks, it didn’t really work out that way; female condoms definitely require a guy’s cooperation). They’re way too thick, and they occasionally make squeaky sounds when you’re fucking with them. I avoided them for years because they were so damned awkward-looking, and I only used them for the first time about a year ago. I can’t for the life of me imagine successfully having sex in the dark with one (but that’s not really my thing, so whatever).

And yet, here I am trying to shop for a remotely affordable 100-pack of female condoms.  The best I’ve found is on amazon.

That’s partly because my husband’s girlfriend/my play partner is allergic to latex, and the female condoms sold in the U.S. are all non-latex, and they both prefer female condoms to non-latex male condoms. But it’s also partly for me. Because I’ve discovered that despite their myriad disadvantages, female condoms can be handy. And being able to use female condoms or male condoms depending on the sexual situation turns out to be quite advantageous.

In case you’re wondering what advantages could possibly outweigh all those negatives above, I figured I’d write out a list of their advantages.

  • You can put them in long before you have sex. No need to stop the sexy and make the condom happen. You can grind all up and down your partner before you ever fuck, and voila! There is protection.
  • You can (and in my opinion, should) get your partner to put it in for you. Unlike putting a condom on with your mouth, putting a female condom in with a finger is something that pretty much anyone can do well. And thus the safer sex is naturally integrated with foreplay.
  • A guy can keep losing his erection, and your female condom doesn’t care.
  • One of the best parts: it’s easy to pop back and forth between fucking and oral sex. Female condoms don’t really taste much at all (I can’t taste them anyway), so a guy’s dick is just going to taste like whatever lube you used, not latex. This also means that it’s a cinch for a guy to pull out and cum in your mouth, on your chest, or whatever.
  • They’re quite handy for multi-person sex. If two women want to fuck one guy, both the girls can use female condoms and he can pop back and forth between them. And they turn out to be pretty fucking fantastic for coitalingus–which is where a guy fucks a girl’s pussy and someone else goes down on the pair of them simultaneously. Again, there’s no taste of latex, and his dick is mostly exposed, and her clit is easily exposed.
  • They’re great for hand-jobs, especially multi-person hand-jobs. You don’t have to keep changing gloves, because they pretty much already have gloves in their pussies! So handy! (Pun pun)
  • You can stick one female condom in a girl’s ass (you want to take the ring out if you’re going to do that) and another one in her pussy, and then you can play hole-switching games without having to worry much about the nasty vaginal infections that can result if you fuck ass and then pussy.
  • Unless you mess them up (which admittedly a lot of people do), they’re better disease protection than male condoms, because they’re better at protecting against skin-transmitted STI’s like herpes.

They’re definitely not perfect. I’ve heard guys complain that they’re like fucking a plastic bag. But sometimes they work so well that no one can tell they’re there (I actually once freaked a partner out because he didn’t know I had one in, and he said the sex felt naked enough he wasn’t sure I had a condom in).  So they’ve definitely got their uses.

Two cheers for female condoms!

Sometimes When the Goddess Closes a Pussy, She Opens an Ass

For pretty much my entire sexual life until about six months ago, one of the few hard and fast rules in my sex life was NOTHING GOES IN MY ASS.  I had permitted some experimentation over the years and never found receiving any ass-related activity remotely pleasurable.  I couldn’t even find it pleasurably painful.  I couldn’t even fathom what anyone found pleasurable about receiving assplay, and I pretty much just gave up, even though I lamented the inevitable deduction in my Slut Points as a result.

Then I got very sick.  For a long time.

My pussy was in shaky condition for several weeks from a yeast infection that turned into an off-an-on urinary tract infection…  And then it became downright unusuable after a kidney infection, another yeast infection, a likely ovarian cyst rupture, and an IUD with homicidal intentions (yes, this all really happened in the space of a couple of weeks).  All told, my pussy was completely unfuckable for two months, but it had been dubious for six weeks before that.

Of course, when I was at my sickest, I wasn’t really missing the sex much because I was in so much fucking pain.  But once I started to recover more, I started going nuts from being unfucked. It wasn’t just the physical sensation I missed (although Goddess knows I did, especially since for a lot of that time the lame external orgasms I could achieve frequently hurt to have)–it was the deeper emotional connection with  partners that I associate with being penetrated (with whatever bodypart).

So after slowly losing my mind for a couple of weeks, I came home one night and begged my husband to fuck my ass.  He’d only ever really done it once before for about thirty seconds, and he was understandably a bit wary.  I doubted I could ever get any regular pleasure from the experience, so I asked him to just dirty talk the hell out of me and fuck me into subspace to make it enjoyable for me.  I had persistently refused his many very polite requests to fuck my ass for yeeeeears.  So he was pleasantly surprised to find that whereas in the past I couldn’t cum if someone was even touching my ass, I actually managed to cum this time (screaming my head off) while he fucked it.

Well, I was desperate.

At that point, I was still regarding ass sex as a terrible substitute for “normal sex” (yeah, that’s a relative term for a kinky pansexual slut.  But this is my post, so just deal with the terminology).  My other partners got wind of my desperation and that my ass was now available, and started having a field day.  This was, afterall, a largely unexplored territory of my fairly well-explored slut body.  But the key epiphany came fairly early on, when VirginSlut was playing with my clit, and Capt was experimentally fingering my ass.

“Wait, go back!” I said frantically when he stopped doing something he had been doing.  “Whatever you were doing before actually felt good.” (You have to imagine the gasping surprise in my voice here).

We learned that night that the key to unlocking my ass was this weird side-to-side motion (cue Dr. Steel), and that the way to give me brain-breaking screaming orgasms was to bang my g-spot through my ass.  This was a double-epiphany, because historically I haven’t been able to tolerate much g-spot stimulation in my pussy, but it turned out to be just AWESOME coming through the back way.

And I got to have what I dubbed a “real orgasm” for the first time in months.

Because of my ass????

Of course, from that point on, it was just a gradual process of seduction.  There was an enthusiastic group of lovers to help me figure out that to get a cock into my ass, it usually worked a lot better to make me cum a couple of times with fingers first.  They stuffed fingers, silicone cocks, toys, and bio-cocks up me and kept startling me by how much fun it all could be.  The guys were still into the taboo part of the thing (asses are socially forbidden and dirty!), which is a fetish that I’ve never really been able to understand, but hey… I try to be GGG.  I just wanted to be able to have “real orgasms” again.

By the time my birthday orgy rolled around, and I could finally get my pussy thoroughly fucked, it felt weird by the end of the night that no one had fucked my ass.  I mentioned that sort of casually around 4 AM while dirty talking Capt… and he promptly fixed it.

And all I could think was: “Oh gods. I’ve turned into one of those sluts now.”

If you’re looking for a (im)moral to this story, I’m pretty sure it’s: if at first you don’t succeed, desperation and sexy people may fix that.

Some Advice on Pegging

So I got a request from a nice man on fetlife asking me for advice pertaining to pegging. I probably know very little about this compared to Tristan Taormino (the great ass sexpert), but I figured what the hell, I’d throw in my two cents on the matter.

For the uninitiated, Dan Savage popularized the label “pegging” to refer to women fucking men in the ass with strap-ons. However, just as intercourse should never be the be-all end-all of classic heterosexual penetrative sex, there is more to pegging than just strap-ons. For convenience, I’m going to use the term generically here to refer to any anal play done by women to men.

I’m going to tackle this issue in three parts. The first is how to introduce pegging into a sexual repertoire with a partner. The second is the tools of the trade that help for good pegging. And the third is the power-play and fantasy dimension that usually accompanies good pegging.

My now-husband started slowly introducing the idea of pegging into our relationship years before we ever did anything about it. He began by discussing it with me in a context where we were talking about deep dark fantasies (for anyone reading this blog, this strategy is an excellent one to begin confessing your own deep dark fantasies—ask for your partner’s). I was initially pretty skeptical, but he began educating me about the prostate, which if you don’t know, is basically the male G-spot, and can be stimulated indirectly externally behind the testicles, or directly internally in the anus. Hypothetically, men can orgasm just from prostate stimulation, although I confess I’ve never actually managed to pull that one off. For the gents reading this, don’t be discouraged if, upon revealing your pegging fantasy, your lady doesn’t instantly react with, “Why that’s always what I’ve wanted to do!” It may take some warming-up-to. Be warned that I haven’t encountered any subby girls who are really into pegging {although I assume they exist). Ladies, if you’re the one doing the introduction, make sure to tell your man about the prostate, and if he still looks skeptical, try offering to let him fuck you in the ass.

It can take a lot of experimenting to get good at it, though, because high-quality pegging requires an investment in high-quality equipment. The first thing I think is essential is a basic enema kit. Not the kind where you actually use a laxative—just use plain old water until the water comes back clean. If you’re usually clean, well, you probably don’t need an enema, but find out before you try to have sex the first time.  Asses are tricky like that, and everybody’s are messy sometimes, it seems. The second is good lube. I can’t stress this one enough: buy silicone-based lube (Pjur products are particularly good) and pay no heed to the price tag, because it’s worth every costly penny. But be careful, because your glorious silicone lube can damage your next essential tool, which is your handy silicone dildo. Cheap dildos suck and are even sometimes dangerous. Shell out the cash. It’s for your sex life—it’s worth it. I think the best dildos are VixSkin dildos, made by Vixen creations. But if you’re going to use silicone lube with silicone toys, you need to put a condom on your toy. If you despise condoms, then use a water-based lube that’s designed for anal penetration: I recommend Maximus, but it’s not anywhere near as good. Alternatively, you can use glass toys, but they’re pretty intense, and they’re not really good for beginners. Then your lady probably needs a harness to hold the strap-on unless she’s just going to hold it in her hand (which really isn’t a bad idea when you’re just starting out). There are many harnesses out there, and the cheap ones tend to be based on a thong design which I find intolerable. The designs have improved a lot in the last couple of years, and you can get some cool shit at Babeland if you’ve got the money. If you’re cheap and/or have a rope fetish, you can also just tie your own.  And last, but not least, buy some basic vinyl gloves. If you’re like me and hate latex gloves, non-latex gloves still work great. Some women don’t mind sticking their bare hands up boys’ asses, but she never knows until she tries how she’s going to feel about it, so it pays to be cautious.

So you’ve got a clean ass, some great lube, some gloves, and some really pricy new toys. Now what? The answer is up to you and your partners’ imaginations. For many (most?) men who want it, pegging is a submissive fantasy, and they really want to be dommed by their partners. It takes some experimentation to find out just how far that domming can go (How many fingers can he take? How big a dildo can he take? Don’t you want to know?). Boys, be aware that it’s not a coincidence that most women I know who are into pegging are Queer: they often enjoy the gender-bending that comes with strap-on fucking a man, and the sensation of fingering a guy’s ass is somewhat similar to another one of their favorite sexual activities… Conversely, some guys are into pegging as a heteroflexible fantasy. Consequently, a lot of times couples like turning this whole experience into an elaborate cross-dressing fantasy, e.g. with the guy in lingerie and the girl in gent’s attire. Or the lady can be imaginatively transformed into a hot trans boy—whatever the two of you like. You can treat your dildo like a cock—the guy can go down on it, give it a hand job, etc.—or you can just treat it like any old toy. Whatever you do, start small and work your way up. This is just like the first time you had intercourse: it’s better if you start with one finger, work your way up to two and maybe three and then move on to a cock (although personally I like fingering even more than strap-on fucking much of the time; however, the vast majority of men and women I know say that cock-like things are comfier in their asses than fingers and hands). Also, keep in mind that pegging may not be thrilling at first, because it requires a lot of feedback to work right–and a very vivid and kinky imagination doesn’t hurt!

Ladies reading this may be skeptically asking themselves, as I did, how am I supposed to get my kicks here? There isn’t inherently a lot of direct physical stimulation for the wielder of a strap-on generally, unless you invest in one of the Feeldoes or similar devices designed for double penetration, which many people find rather awkward. Of course, if it turns you on enough, there’s nothing stopping you from reaching down and touching yourself, but if your boy is reasonably flexible, there’s a decent chance in fucking doggy style that you can make him do the reaching and touching.

Pegging is complicated and more expensive than vanilla sex. But totally worth it, in my opinion.

“Can I Get Two Sluts Please?”

Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do: two chicks at the same time.
Peter: That’s it, two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Yeah, I always wanted to do that, and if I had a million dollars I think I could hook that up too. Chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter: Well not all chicks.
Lawrence: The kind of chicks that would double up on a guy like me do.
From Office Space

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I’m going to say this at the beginning, and I’m going to say this again at the end: guys, you don’t need a million dollars to get threesomes.  I mean, a million dollars will almost certainly get you a threesome with a certain kind of girl, but you can get regular threesomes for a whole lot less if you have something cheaper but possibly just as rare: a slut fetish. Allow me to explain.

******

Neither kink culture nor vanilla world often let me forget just how much straight men (and apparently many bi men too) fantasize about the idea of having sex with two women at once.  I’ve spent the last six months or more playing a lot in a crazy triad with my partners, Capt (a man) and VirginSlut (a woman), and being hopeless exhibitionists, we tend to play a lot in public.  I’m regularly amused, a little flattered, and occasionally slightly annoyed by how often guys comment to Capt that he’s “winning” or how lucky he is to be playing with both of us.  The annoyance arises because (1) the reverse is pretty much never true–neither women nor men come up to me and VirginSlut and tell us how lucky we are.  (This is especially funny since women and men both hit on Capt constantly).  And (2) because it feels like there’s an implicit belief that this is somehow all for his benefit–like VirginSlut and I aren’t getting something out of this.  I think both of these points get to the heart of why most straight men never get what they seem to spend a spectacular amount of energy fantasizing about: regular threesomes with two women.

So, guys, I’m going to let you in on three really important secrets.  Okay, are you paying attention?

1. If you want regular threesomes with two women, you have to not think that it’s all about you.  Oooooh, I’m sorry.  Did you think that girls just had sex to please you?  That’s what subs and sluts do, right?  Maybe some of them do; I don’t.  Sure, we create scenes where it looks like that’s the case.  Actually, we stage scenes like that all the time.  We dirty talk that way.  But it’s not really true; it’s not really true at all.  As it happens, we sluts still like to cum.  A lot.  And you have to be willing to put effort into that.  A lot.

And you have to realize that two girls fucking each other on top of you might actually–goddess forbid–enjoy fucking each other when you’re not there too, and that they might not be doing it just so you can get a good view.  Something about straight male culture tends to freak the fuck out when women enjoy fucking each other because… they enjoy fucking each other.  Yup, sorry, both of my girlfriends’ hands are bigger than your cock.  Get. Over. It.

Connected with that, you’ll get better at threesomes with women if you think outside the box, as it were.  Spending all your time trying to figure out how to get your dick into two women’s pussies may be a fun exercise for jerking off, but it’s often a very impractical reality.  You make a much better impression if you’re willing to use all your assets–hands, tongue, and dick (and even better if you add your ass to that)–to please us.  “My ass???” the stereotypical straight male dom says in panic.  Oh, yes, I said your ass; we’d love to peg it.  This is all related to the second secret.

2. Sometimes, your best bet is to offer yourself up as a sacrifice for our pleasure.  Good luck finding your idyllic threesome arrangement if you don’t find the idea of two women using you for their pleasure to be wicked hot.  Remember I said that we want something out of this too?  The sacrifice of your body is a rare and precious thing you can provide us with.  I’ve actually used my husband’s cock to fuck women with on several occasions, always to great effect, earning him the nickname “the human dildo.”  (We described the scene to a vanillaish friend who said seriously to my husband, “That sounds traumatizing!” [To be used like that]. He quipped, “I know. It was so traumatizing that I’ve been fantasizing about it ever since.”).

You want to drown in pussy?  Then beg for a girl to sit on your face while another one sits on your dick and they make out.  Let us gangbang your willing ass.  Put a hand in each of us while we grind against each other.  Then maybe you’ll get that two-girl blowjob you’ve been fantasizing about… some of us having actually been trying to really work on the fine art of giving one.

3. Get a slut fetish. This one’s really the heart of the thing.  Other than the simple reason that triads are incredibly unstable relationship dynamics, the real reason most guys can’t get a threesome lasting longer than a night (if that long) is because they don’t have what it really takes to get and keep two women: a slut fetish.  Yes, it’ll do if you don’t mind the fact that we’re going to fuck other guys too, but if you’re actually into it, then your chances of keeping us go way up.  Ahh, now I really heard the straight male dom panic sputtering again in the background.  “But, but, my cock isn’t good enough for you?  You want other guys too??”  Um, yes.

The thing that neither vanilla culture, nor kink culture (to a lesser degree) seems to fully appreciate is that the “kind of girls” who will gleefully threesome a guy tend to be 1. prostitutes 2. sluts and 3. not straight.  If you’ve nixed the prostitute part of that equation, you’re left with “greedy sluts who like to have their holes filled by an array of genitalia, random body parts, and other assorted objects.”  We’re sluts.  Which means that we probably have (or at least could have) a number of guys with a variety of impressive sexual assets in our contacts list, under our skirts, on a leash, or in a cage in our house.  But we’ll keep coming back to you in pairs or more because you accept us for who and what we are and are turned on by it.  And if you don’t freak out at the idea of us sleeping with other guys.  And girls.  And assorted other genders.  And if you’re actively turned on by it, then you get major bonus points.

Oh shit!  It turns out that sluts are also people, not just a greedy collection of holes (even if we like to be dirty-talked like that’s all we are)!  

The thing is, it’s not hard for two girls who really want to fuck a guy together to go out and find a guy to screw.  In reality, even if the girls in question are only moderately attractive, there will probably be a long line of men volunteering for the position.  So women who want that can afford to be pretty picky about the guys they take, even if their slutty dispositions disincline them towards selectivity.  Which in turn means that if it’s something you really want, you really have to stand out from the crowd.  Real, live, socially well-adjusted, slut-fetishizing men are about as common as… well, they’re not common.  So if you can condition yourself to get a slut fetish, you can vastly improve your chances of making your fantasy a reality (no promises, though).

The point is, you don’t need a million dollars.  You just need a slut fetish (which is probably even harder to come by for some people).

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For my birthday, a dear friend SteelZombie searched for “slut” on etsy.  She found a woman who makes cute matching necklaces that are usually sold in pairs, with one saying “slut” and the other “master.”  Knowing VirginSlut’s and my relationship dynamic, she wrote to the woman and asked, “Can I get two sluts?”  The woman said “Sure!”  It usually isn’t that easy.  Sorry, guys.

slut necklace

A Slut’s Creed

This was not written to be any other slut’s creed.  But this is how I do slutting.

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I have sex for pleasure and satisfaction—my own, and my partners’.                     

  • I do not have sex to manipulate people.
  • I do not have sex to keep people in a relationship.
  • I do not have sex because I can’t think of anything else to do.
  • I do not have sex while intoxicated or with people who are, unless they are regular partners.
  • I do not have sex because I’m “supposed to.”
  • I can always say “no” if I want to—at any point, at any time, with any person.  As a slut, I usually choose not to.

If I seek sex for emotional validation or to feel wanted, I am honest with myself that this is what I want so I can fulfill the need.

  • I may have sex with people just because they ask—if I am so inclined.
  • I do my best not to emotionally hurt others or get hurt by fulfilling this need.
  • I may yield to pressure for sex without becoming a “victim”; I may even be excited by it.  I can also stop it whenever I want.

I define “sex” and “fucking” as it suits my and my partners’ desires.

  • I am not constrained by the heteronormative “coital imperative.”
  • I may kiss and flirt without wanting to fuck; if that makes me a “tease,” so be it.

I enjoy being used sexually without it reducing my sense of self or personhood.

  • I never knowingly allow someone to cheat on their partner(s) with me.

I enjoy using others sexually without it reducing their sense of self or personhood.

I practice safer sex for my own and my partners’ health.

  • I try to remember that communication and knowing my partners is the most important aspect of safer sex.
  • I recognize that “coitus,” while sexy, is a very risky sexual practice even with condoms and restrict it accordingly.